September 3, 2014

Make Him Want You…

Gary Thomas — 

dotted ends

This is going to seem like an explicit post to some, a hurtful post to others, but it could be helpful to many, so I’m going to risk it.  It won’t work for every marriage; it may even compound the hurt for some (because you’ve tried it and it backfired and emphasized rather than cured your problems), but for those it will help it’s just a simple reminder that can make such a big difference.


Wives, life gets busy.  It gets complicated.  It gets hurtful and harried and frustrating.  You can’t dodge or fix every frustration, but there is a helpful friend to keep your marriage together and even growing ever more intimate in some difficult as well as boring times.


Make him want you.


Two to three times a month make it your supreme and deliberate marital goal that day to excite one thing in your husband.  Make him want you.


In that way.


Start early in the day.  Find ways to keep it boiling.  Make it so that by the end of the day he can think of nothing else, but you, in that way.


Time wise, physical intimacy is a relatively small part of marriage.   And I’m not talking about a daily change, so even in the most overwhelming of situations it can usually be done, if you want to make it happen.  And when done, it will color every other day because he knows, after a while, it just may happen again.  That swings some relational power back to you in a good way that helps him not take you for granted or forget you and in a way that will remind him why (though, of course this isn’t the only reason why) you mean so much to him.


I don’t know your husband so I can’t tell you how to do this, only as a reminder that it’s good to do this.


You know him.  You know what gets him going.  So use the information.






Make him want you.


Take all day to do it.


At least a couple, but preferably, a few times a month.


It can transform your marriage.  It really can.

When you subscribe to Gary’s blog, you will receive blog posts directly to your e-mail inbox. You will be one of the first to learn about the latest in Gary’s writing.

32 responses to Make Him Want You…

  1. Hi Gary!
    My husband and I attended your presentation tonight at Second, Cypress campus. To say my heart wasn’t convicted of some things would be dishonest. But, I have a marriage that is not good at all. My husband is a porn addict, and is abusive in every way. There has been some significant sexual abuse as well. I have loved him through it all for almost 30 years, and I am done. I have tried to rise up and meet his needs, even though the thing he wants repulse me (I am not allowed to say no to anything). I can’t pretend anymore. I am exhausted in every way, and care about little in life these days. What would you recommend? I feel that if any part of me is to survive, I need to get out of this toxic situation. I have been trying to leave him, but circumstances have kept me here. He is scared to lose me, but doesn’t treat me as if he cherishes me in any way. He did recommend that we attend tonight, though.

    • Wow. I’m so saddened to hear that, Broken. I hope and pray for a resolution to your situation that brings about healing and protection for you. I hope that you have some resources and support.

  2. Shame on you for using your status as a platform to spew dangerous rhetoric. Shame on you for placing the burden on women when in fact marriage should be a partnership; when in fact everything that you said should have been directed at both men and women. You are a shame to the name of God and you are a shame to the example that Jesus set. You are in a position to do something good, and instead you generate this kind of deception–words that make women who are struggling feel even worse about themselves. Way to make the hopeless feel even more hopeless.

    • Monica, I hear the pain in your comment “way to make the hopeless feel even more hopeless”, but “shaming” and attacking Gary and his truthful comments is not helpful, nor is it appropriate. I loved Gary’s post, and believe in it wholeheartedly. His post does not apply to me. My husband does not want to be married to me, nor has he for the past 12 years. He doesn’t touch me, and does not allow me to touch him in any way. When I accidentally even touch his hand, he pulls away. I’m telling you, that is very hurtful. And I would love to be able to entice my husband and feel that he wants me in any way. This is not my reality. And although i don’t like it, I know that God is faithful, that I am learning to lean on Him for my needs and not my husband. I am trying to rely on the Holy spirit to teach me how to love my husband in a despite him not wanting to be loved.

      I hear the hurt and pain in your post, and want to encourage you to look to God in your pain. He will comfort you, He will guide you, He will keep you safe in His care. He loves you, and feels your pain. If you have close friends or a counselor you can walk this journey with, it helps. Sending you a hug and praying for you today.

  3. Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate the time and thought you put into sharing your wisdom. My husband is a medical student who also works so I can stay home with our 4 children (ages 8, 5, 3 & 2) – this post is a wonderful reminder for me to prioritize our relationship and bless him in the midst of our wonderfully busy life. Thank you!

  4. Thank-you for speaking truth Gary! Please don’t stop. I follow you on social media for this very reason. You are not afraid to speak truth, but you are very real and humble at the same time. To be honest with you, there have been many times in my 10 year marriage that I would have been hurt or frustrated by your blog post. The reason being that we have had significant intimacy issues. Significant. I relate to the commenter above whose husband had “low libido”. That is what my husband always told me. He even got hormone shots for (legitimately) low testosterone. Yet really nothing changed in my marriage until he allowed God to get ahold of his heart. And that didn’t happen until I stopped nagging, complaining, and trying to change him. We went through an incredible heartache, both of our hearts broke. But in the end we both turned to God separately and together and He has restored us beyond our wildest dreams. Now when I read this post, I thought to myself, you know, I’m going to do this! He will love it and he deserves the very best of me. Thanks again.

    • THANK YOU for sharing this wonderful testimony and giving others hope. The road can be very painful, but endings like yours (though of course both the pain and the joys aren’t over yet) give others strength to press on.

    • Amanda…exactly what I was trying to say above to Good Wife….check my response above….love in Christ.

  5. Husbands also need to do the same for their wives. Just as you want your wife to pursue intimacy with you, your wife wants you to pursue intimacy with her. Now this process will be a little different when husbands work to “make their wives want them” but it too should be something that progresses all day. The husband and wife BOTH need to work to keep it alive. The two work hand in hand. Maybe an article directed at both the wives and husbands would receive a little less push back. Just a thought.

    • Carrie, you’re right about husbands needing to do this as well. In fact, it’s a growing phenomenon for the husband to be the “low desire” spouse. Hasn’t hit 50% yet, but it’s climbing in that direction.

      • Maybe it’s all the pornography available and upheld in this society as completely normal for a man to view, even in some Christian circles.

    • Thank you Carrie. So tired of reading stuff like this when both wife AND husband should be addressed.

  6. In my unhappiness, I turned away my husband when he approached me for sex. As if I were going to have my needs filled by ignorning his needs. I stopped flirting with him and allowing him feel wanted by me. I met the woman four years ago right before he was transferred to another town. I knew by the look in her eyes that she wanted him. So while out of town working in her office, she flirted and made him feel wanted. I’m not excusing my husband’s behavior. He should have guarded his heart. He knew better. Since we both made the decision to make our marriage work, we are learning this is important for the both of us. We just read the sex chapter in “Sacred Marriage”. While reading that book, he says “Ouch” alot. My favorite, if I can be so crude, is “That was rip my heart out and kick me in the nutsack painful.” The truth hurts but we have to be willing to hear it in order to grow. Marriage is hard and sex can be pleasureful if we allow it to be. (At least in my experience.) I would say after all we’ve been through, he is a normal man. He wants to know that his wife still wants him and adores him.

  7. Hi, Gary. I stand with you and appreciate the disclaimers or caveats to clearly define your target audience in order for your counsel to profit those that can benefit from it.

    However, you do not to defend the pushback ( which you expected). As a pastor, just prepare yourself to compassionately embrace the hurting and pray for those that are hurting and abused in this way whether or not they reply this to post.

  8. I am divorced now but in my marriage it was the opposite. My husband had low T and because of that intimacy was not where it should have been. He refused to get help while with me but after the divorce he got help. Go figure. I felt so rejected and our marriage suffered. Both husbands and wives need to keep their marriage alive. I am a hopeless romantic and keeping intimacy(God’s gift to us) is paramount to a successful marriage. And ladies, please, please buy some nice lingerie! The things my friends wear I don’t even wear while single. LOL Jami, Amen to Song of Solomon.

    • This seems to be a growing problem, Maria. And if it’s a genuine case of low T, that can often be “fixed,” IF the spouse is willing. Lisa and I have witnessed friends do what your husband did–address issues AFTER the divorce instead of before. So sorry you got caught in that trap, and praying God will open the door to a Song of Solomon marriage in your future!

      • Thank you Gary for your words and prayer. This divorce and botched reconciliation just 9 months ago has spiraled me into such a mess. (My ex quickly bounced back with new girlfriend and new life.) Thank God for Second as they have become my family and prayed with me. I’m not sick but my goodness a broken heart hurts like heck!

    • **hug** I cannot imagine how your ex could be so selfish. I pray God heals all of your wounds. (And gets through to your ex, too.)

  9. I love this one. I love it because I am in a good marriage and I love to love my husband “in this way” because he is so good to me. He is so deserving . . . so wonderful. How could I not? But, in a previous and abusive marriage, this would be hung over my head . . . . article used against me because I could not fill his insatiable need due to his porn problem. I am so glad that you wrote that this does not work for every marriage. You help to make good marriages richer. Thank you, friend.

    • That’s the challenge, Megan. We live in an evil world that has many evil people, and some of those evil people are married, and of course much of what I write can be twisted into an unhelpful application, but I don’t see a way around it besides throwing out occasional disclaimers. Otherwise, we lose all ability to challenge those who need challenge (beginning with myself).

    • Thank you Megan. Abusive men take stuff like this and use it as a weapon.
      Another commentator left me with that “wife if only you do everything right you’ll have a glorious marriage” pit in the stomach feeling. This my friends is the legacy of abuse.

  10. Great post, Gary. Your disclaimers are absolutely warranted, because people are hurting and defensive — I can’t imagine how disheartening the backlash must be when you are trying to speak to a large and varied audience and you touch nerves without intending to.

    But the truth is still the truth is still the truth! And even if it doesn’t perfectly apply or help in a specific marriage (provided this like crazy to my ex-husband but he still preferred his girlfriends) — it doesn’t negate the truth. So keep taking the risks — we need to hear it!

    Looking forward to putting this into action in the future, if God so blesses me.

  11. I agree with you! I think so often women quickly brush off this part of life. When we were dating I would send flirty, ‘teasing’ texts/emails/card to my (now) husband. When we get married and life happens, we so easily forget to romance eachother. Yes, the road goes two ways, but someone needs to start it. I have noticed the more I unselfishly give to my husband and romance him (make him want me), he does the same. Suddenly I come home to a clean house, get flowers delivered to work, thoughtful words of affirmation…
    Gary – thank you for the reminder! I like that you say to start in the morning and continue all day. I 100% believe that you need to ‘spice’ things up so our romantic life doesn’t get boring and fall to the wayside. If you need a reminder of how Godly sex and romance is, just read Song of Solomon. God didn’t work that book into His Word by ‘accident’ – it was meant to be read.

  12. Good wife for the good life September 3, 2014 at 10:37 am

    Starting with a string of caveats is a good way to know that the advice you are about to breathe into words (and words have power) is not worthy. Women have it tough enough, Gary.

    • I know women have it tough enough. But if you’re suggesting that they have it so tough that asking them to “excite” their husbands two or three times a month (which is what this post comes down to), given the benefits to the marriage (and their husbands who also have it tough), I still stand by what I wrote, even upon reflection. I knew there would be some pushback and so I ran this by my wife and some other women first. Letting sex suffer is a short term strategy that, if it becomes a persistent one, can be very damaging.

    • Goodwife, Gary wrote the disclaimers knowing there are women like me who are not in healthy marriages, and that our problems cannot be fixed by more sex. I •so• appreciate his thoughtfulness. His advice is very wise and appropriate for those who in the position to heed it.

    • Good Wife…go to PeacefulWife’s Blog…she will give you lots of good advice….women are the builders of the home…if you don’t like you is in your hands to fix it…WITH GOD’S WISDOM…no one teaches us to be wives….the bible clearly states that the older Godly women ought to teach the younger women…. The key to a guys heart is RESPECT…respect to a man is what love is to a woman…other great books I suggest you read that would change your life…and eventually your marriage….is Called To Be His Helpmeet……Love And Respect…..The Respect Dare….The Surrendered Wife…are a few great ones….please let me know how I can help you further….the journey will be painful…but it will be glorious in the end…when you realize that Marriage is all about you and Christ….YOU CAN WIN YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT A WORD…WHEN HE OBSERVES YOUR CHASTE AND BEAUTIFUL BEHAVIOR….That truth is in the bible…Love you in Christ…and we all as women have been at that place..but there is HOPE!!!!…YOU ARE NOT IN THIS ALONE!!….
      Thank you Gary for sharing your heart…all men think this way…it is normal…and that is how God created men… are the Pursuers….and if we seek Godly wisdom and counsel as wives…and try to listen from the men’s perspective..we will make for better homes, wives, mothers and marriages. I pray that hurting women would come to the realization that Gid gave us the powere as women to make or break our marriage…it is all about how we influence our husbands…we can do so for the better or from the worst.