July 12, 2016

Loving Your Spouse by Lightening Their Load

Guest Author — 

FBOFK IMAGE 1 -Guest Post

I (Patrick) have a bit of a reputation for running out of gas, perhaps because I once read an article that said gas pumps have more germs than a toilet seat. I don’t know how many germs that is, but it’s enough for me not to want to touch either one too often. Or maybe it’s because it takes time to slow down, stop, and fill up. Whatever the reason, I don’t enjoy stopping for gas, which is why I run out so often.

Some experts say you can drive your car at least forty miles after your gas light comes on. My “research” would say that is fairly accurate—some cars more and others less. Normal people pull over and refuel long before the warning light comes on, but not me. I once pushed my motorcycle beyond the forty-mile test limit. I lost—again. If anything has come close to motivating me to change my ways, it was walking my Harley for just over a mile through our neighborhood and past our neighbor who hates Harleys and loves Yamahas. Exhausting and embarrassing!

My problem with running out of gas took on a whole new meaning once I became a dad fourteen years ago. I soon discovered and would learn over and over again that parenting is a gas guzzler. Surviving the transition from married couple to married with kids requires a lot of energy. Living out God’s purpose for marriage and family is exhausting. Trying to do it well often leaves us running on empty.

One of the biggest reasons we find ourselves running low on fuel is because of self-neglect.

Most couples who have been running on self-neglect for too long feel weary…they have pretty much run out of gas. So the encouragement in Galatians 6:2 to “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ,” is a key principle for protecting each other during the season of being married with kids.

The Greek word translated as “carry” means to “put upon one’s self, to lift up, or carry what is burdensome.” It conveys the idea of coming alongside and lightening the load for another person. When we carry another’s burden, we take that burden on ourselves. We share the load so that the other person doesn’t suffer alone.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German pastor and theologian who spoke out boldly against Hitler, wrote that Christians “must bear the burden of a brother. He must suffer and endure the brother. It is only when he is a burden that another person is really a brother and not merely an object to be manipulated.”

Bonhoeffer was saying that relationships in the real world, especially Christian relationships, come with responsibility. Jesus calls us to do some heavy lifting for one another. Marriage in particular comes with a charge to “carry each other’s burdens.” Our spouse is not “an object to be manipulated”; rather we are called to “endure” and even “suffer” for and with each other.

That is a convicting statement! We might not come out and say we see our spouse as “an object to be manipulated,” but how often do we look to get something from our spouse instead of looking out for our spouse?  One way we can love our spouse is by attempting to lighten the load when our spouse is running on empty.

Protecting our spouse requires that we provide strength when our spouse is weak or struggling.

In which areas of your marriage and parenting are you struggling most right now?

What specific things can you do to help your spouse carry the burden and avoid self-neglect?

Many blessings,

Patrick and Ruth Schwenk

ruth and patrick bio pic

Patrick Schwenk is a husband, father, and pastor. Ruth Schwenk is a wife, mom, and blogger. She is the coauthor (with Karen Ehman) of Hoodwinked: Ten Myths Moms Believe & Why We All Need to Knock It Off and Pressing Pause: 100 Quiet Moments for Moms to Meet with Jesus. She and her husband are the creators of FortheFamily.org and TheBetterMom.com. Patrick and Ruth have been married for more than seventeen years, have four children, and have been in full-time ministry for over fifteen years. They live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Their first book together, For Better or For Kids: A Vow to Love Your Spouse with Kids in the House just released!


At some point, a loving, hopeful, and energetic married couple find themselves in a minivan loaded with kids and littered with Cheerios, crusty sippy cups, and dark banana peels. Amidst a baffling array of new sounds, different smells, unpredictable schedules, competing preferences, and unusual demands, you can’t help but think, What just happened? We are in way over our heads!

 FBOFK Cover

For Better or For Kids is a book packed full of our personal stories of marriage and parenting over the last 18 years, practical help and biblical wisdom that will enable couples to:

  • Build a God-centered marriage instead of a Child-centered or Me-centered marriage
  • Avoid the dangers of spouse-neglect and self-neglect
  • Effectively communicate in the chaos
  • Explore ways to parent together as one team
  • Find balance in the busyness
  • And soooo much more!



For Better or For Kids is about taking a new vow. A vow to love your spouse with kids in the house. It is possible to have a loving and intimate marriage regardless of the season of life you find yourself in and we want to show you how! Grab your copy today at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Christianbook or anywhere books are sold.

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2 responses to Loving Your Spouse by Lightening Their Load

  1. I am married to the love of my life. However, he was the youngest after three girls and had a mother with the best of intentions, all the energy and leadership in the world to make it happen and difficulty perceiving when her family was not on board. I, on the other hand, grew up middle child in a large family and learned early what is required to make a household operate. Fast forward to our home and 3 boys age 5 and younger, all with special needs. My husband is terrific and has grown so much, let me first say! But we still have this dynamic where I feel like he hears his mother when I ask for help. It doesn’t help that he has very little concept of how much time and energy children require. So it’s hard for me to ask for help and I often end up just taking on the load myself. It’s not good for our children to watch and it’s not good for him or me. Any thoughts? We’ve come so far yet I long for it to be better.

    • Patrick Schwenk July 13, 2016 at 12:28 pm


      Thanks so much for your comment and for sharing a bit about your family! In our book we share about how we went through a very similar situation – I was missing all of Ruth’s hints for more help! 🙂 One of the things I needed from her was clear communication on what she really needed. What I appreciated most was not only did she share what she needed help with but it was HOW she shared it (kind and gentle). She gave me plenty of grace and room to grow in this area. While I still don’t always do it perfectly, I am making progress (which it sounds like your husband is as well)! Keep working together, be patient, look for progress and not perfection, and most importantly look to Jesus to give you both the grace to love one another well in difficult circumstances! Thanks again for your comments and question. Blessings to you and your family!