The man who finds a wife finds a treasure,
and he receives favor from the Lord.
What a joy to be married to a godly woman! A godly wife isn’t a possession, but she is a treasure.
On my Facebook personal page and author page, I asked men to brag about their wives, telling me the three things they most appreciate about their spouses. Four qualities clearly rose to the top.
This is in no way scientific. Most men following me on Facebook are Christians. But I love the way some stereotypes were obliterated. For example, not a single man chose as one of his favorite qualities his wife’s physical appearance. Only two out of about a hundred even mentioned “lover.” Guys are often characterized as focused primarily on sex, but the husbands who responded to my request clearly aren’t.
This post has a triple purpose: to thank you wives for being so wonderful; to encourage single men that, when looking for a future wife, you would do well to consider these qualities; and to encourage wives who want to grow in their husband’s affection with the knowledge that these are the things long-term husbands most admire. Your own husband may value different things, of course, but these are what men chose to publicly celebrate. At the very least, this post could spawn some enlightening conversation on a date night.
The four qualities men on Facebook (I’m not saying this is my list or what I think is most important; mine would be somewhat different) most celebrated about their wives, in this order, were:
Number 1: Faithfulness and Loyalty
Wives, your husbands are grateful for your commitment to your marriage. They believe you hold true to your vows, you won’t cheat on them, and that you will stick with the marriage through disappointments.
Many of us are astounded that a woman agreed to marry us. And we are ever more grateful that, even as you get to know our weaknesses, you stay by our side. We’ve been cut from the team by coaches, rejected by university admission committees, fired by or passed over for promotions by employers, sometimes rejected by our own children, but the story of our lives has been a woman who has walked through all of that with an unyielding, iron-willed faithfulness and loyalty.
And for that we are truly grateful.
I celebrated this gift of loyalty in my book Cherish when I imagine a wife saying to her insecure husband, “You’ve made it across the finish line, into my arms. I’m yours and you are mine. We’re one. I’m thrilled with you. I love you. You can rest in my acceptance. I will recharge you with my affection. I won’t pull away when I get to know you; I’ll draw closer. I won’t disrespect you when I find the dark within you; I’ll pray for God to flood you with his light. I won’t compare you to any other man because to me you are the only man of my affections; you are the standard; you are my man of all men. I won’t look at another man, I won’t touch another man, I won’t compare you to any other man. I will feast my eyes and fill my heart with my love for you.”
What this also means, wives, is that unfaithfulness is perhaps the biggest wound a woman can inflict on her husband because loyalty seems to be closest to many men’s hearts. Flirtation outside the marriage can crush a man, particularly if he values faithfulness and loyalty above all else, as a clear plurality of men in this survey seemed to.
Number 2: A Devoted Follower of Christ
Wives, thank you for bringing more of Christ into our homes. Your knowledge of God’s word, your devotion to prayer and worship, your eagerness to be a part of the local church, and your commitment to godliness blesses us in so many ways.
The closer you get to God, the stronger you become for us. The wiser you become, the more we gain from your perspective. The more peaceful you become, the more spiritual rest we have at home. We don’t look at your faith as something you should do for us—it’s about you and God, first and foremost—but we are blessed immeasurably by the practice and fruit of your faith.
Single men, this is why the Bible urges young men to value a woman’s faith over beauty and charm (Prov. 31:30). Beauty as the world defines it fades. Godliness grows, because God by his Holy Spirit makes it grow. If you marry a woman who is surrendered to God you will be even more in love with her on your thirtieth wedding anniversary than you were on your third. That’s certainly been true for me.
Number 3: A Nurturing Spirit: Kindness, Compassion, Graciousness
I had to lump all of these together under “nurturing spirit” because different men use different words, but they all point to one thing: the disposition of Christ who came not to be served, but to serve. This points to wives who love and give with daily kindness; the kind of wife who is a soothing presence in her family rather than one who brings even more drama into her home. Men praise the peacemakers rather than the warriors (A woman in an abusive marriage may need to become a warrior in order to escape and protect her children, but these posts aren’t talking about abusive marriages; we’re talking about marriages worthy of celebration).
Women, husbands don’t want home to be a battleground. They so appreciate gracious, kind, and compassionate wives. There’s so much drama at the office and sometimes with extended family members. People are at odds with each other in the local church, businesses, sporting events, competing with each other and tearing each other down. What a blessing to be married to a woman who brings a nurturing presence into her home.
Number 4: Forgiving and Patient
We know we mess up. We know we keep messing up. So for all those times of forgiveness and patience, thank you. We wish we could be better for you, and we’re trying. But your acceptance means more to us than you could possibly know.
Single men, as mentioned already, I was shocked at one thing that not a single husband mentioned when searching for his “top three” things to celebrate: his wife’s physical appearance. When looking for a bride, attractiveness usually tops the list for single men. I get that. But the absence of its mention on this list tells me that you would do well to put character and faith first when considering who to marry. Sacrificing character for beauty is something you’ll almost certainly regret. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a woman who is beautiful to you inside and out, but I’m just telling you, in a decade or so, you will be most mindful of her inner beauty.
So, godly wives, thank you for being you. Thank you for putting up with us husbands. In this post, we celebrate you in all your excellence. We know you’re more than a wife: you’re God’s daughter with your own dreams and worth and purpose outside of your relationship to us. But what you bring to us can’t be measured.
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
Husbands, feel free to add more comments about what you appreciate about your wives in the section below. And in keeping with the previous post, we won’t post comments from disappointed husbands on this particular post. We want the comments for these two posts in particular to be positive and encouraging.